Let’s normalize the discussion of sex in the Christian community. There are so many misconceptions that seriously need to be addressed. One thing that’s been bothering me lately is this idea that seems to be spread mostly from women to other women that it is a woman’s job to make sure her man is happy, so he doesn’t need to look elsewhere indicating that sex is some type of marital obligation. This toxic way of thinking is hurting women’s sense of self-worth, hindering the marriage, and tainting the act of sex itself that should be a beautiful expression of love and desire.
Women are not sex objects and do not owe their husbands or any man sex. It is not the heart of God for women to be having obligatory sex. So many of us have bought into this untruth at one point or another not realizing how detrimental this is to our psyche and sense of self-worth. The Bible tells us that blessed is he who dwells in the house of the lord. Acts 7:48 is clear when it says, “the most High dwelleth not in temples made with human hands.” So where does Christ live? Galatians 2:20 and numerous other verses make it clear that Christ now lives in us. We are the temple of God. God is love and that love lives in us (1 John 4:16). If we are going against our hearts, not being in our bodies, and wishing away the moment while providing a dutiful inauthentic sexual experience, we are going against the breath of Christ in us.
Let me make it clear, I’m not here saying don’t have sex. In fact, I am saying just the opposite. Have sex and lots of it, but have it for the right reasons because it is an expression of deep love and connection. Fulfilling sexual experiences stem directly from the state of one’s own being inside themselves. If a woman believes that she ultimately is an object to be used to pacify their man, her true honest essence is removed from that aspect of the relationship. Her authenticity fades and something fake is put in its place severely cheapening the nature of the act of making love and ultimately cheapening the relationship.
Marriage is supposed to be built on honesty and trust. If a woman is having sex and pretending to have a good time, when her husband has no idea that she isn’t really feeling it, isn’t that lying? He’s over there thinking they’re having this amazing connection while she’s silently counting down the minutes until he finishes up and leaves her alone.
Marriage is supposed to be built on honesty and trust. If we feel we need to behave a certain way to ultimately manipulate our partners to not cheat on us, we have a really big problem. If we can’t trust our husbands with our true feelings, again, we have a problem. We should be able to say, “I am feeling tired and overwhelmed. The kids are touching me and needing me all day, and I desperately just want my body to myself and to not be needed right now.” Or maybe, “My body isn’t the same since having the baby. I feel insecure with my looks, and it is causing me to have a hard time getting in the mood.” Or maybe it’s something deeper. “I am feeling insecure in our relationship in such and such a way, and it is making me feel shut down.” Daring to be vulnerable and honest with yourself and your partner is the best thing we can do for our relationships. While maybe uncomfortable, all of those examples could open us up to true connection.
In depth emotional connection creates sexual desire. Being emotionally intimate in terms of truly knowing, understanding, and being in tune with one another, or in other words, seeing the other person and allowing yourself to be seen, opens the door to sexual intimacy. So many people put the cart before the horse here and think sex will magically cause connection. Maybe briefly it can, but not addressing the deeper issues is just continuing to sweep the figurative dirt under the carpet. Connection paves the way for a meaningful and active sex life. I challenge you to not sell yourself, your relationship, or your partner short by being inauthentic.