Do you ever feel like you let yourself down? Do you have that one thing that you never quite finished that you really wish you did? Do you ever feel like a failure at something or like you don’t have what it takes to see something through? I certainly have.
For years, the password to get into my computer has been YogaTest. I set it to inspire myself to keep pushing and to complete the online yoga teacher training course I had just signed up for.
I watched all the videos, read all the books, and completed the entire written part of the training. I very much enjoyed it. The last step was to video myself teaching an hour long class as well as a half hour long class. I kept trying to do it, but I kept not being able to for some reason. There was some kind of mental block, and I chickened out or froze up every time I tried to turn on the video camera.
When I didn’t quite finish, this became something that made me feel bad about myself. Every time I typed my password into my computer, I felt like a failure, a let-down, a disappointment. I felt like I was someone who couldn’t follow through.
I kept thinking I needed to change the password, but I didn’t use the computer enough to put in the effort. Since starting my blog, I use the computer a lot more. One day, when I considered changing the password, I felt that it had something to teach me, so I decided that I needed to sit with those feelings. I heard out the voices in my head that were shaming me and making me feel small, and I gently reminded myself, that that is not who I am. I am not defined by my “failures,” and I am not those things.
It wasn’t any great wisdom. It was just simple. A small, barely-lit fire in my gut reminding me of my truth. Sat Nam, Baby!
I am my own biggest critic. I remind people all the time to be kind to themselves, but so many times, I forget to be kind to and patient with myself. I decided to just leave the password and to remain open to what else it had to teach me.
Recently, my most favorite, trusted, and respected yoga instructor posted on Instagram that she was teaching a Kundalini yoga teacher training course. Kundalini has my heart when it comes to yoga styles. In my experience, it's not always easy to find a Kundalini class to go to.
It encompasses the mind, body, and soul in such a beautiful and healing way. In these classes, focusing on breathing and movement, God had the opportunity to speak to me in profound ways. On my yoga mat, I found so much clarity and healing physically and spiritually in my life.
After much discussion with Erik, we decided for multiple reasons, that I needed to apply to this particular class. I did that today. I don’t know if I will get in or not, but regardless, maybe not finishing the course all those years ago had a bigger lesson to teach me than if I actually completed it. I’m open to the lesson and enjoying the journey.
So, if you are struggling with feeling mad, disappointed, etc with yourself, maybe just breathe into it, and remember who God tells you, you are.
· You have the mind of Christ (Phillipians 2:5-6).
· You are accepted (Romans 15:7).
· You are worthy (Psalm 139:13-14).
· You are loved and you are love (1 John 4:16).
· You are strengthened by God himself (Phillipians 4:14).