The day we left for Florida, I was so exhausted and stressed out from the insanity of all we had going on in our lives on top of cleaning the house, packing for the trip, not feeling good, and not getting much sleep because of that, I had a full on melt down. My parents were there to pick us up to bring us to the airport, and after them witnessing me yelling at Erik and being a total grouch, I found myself sitting on my kitchen floor crying and deciding against going at the thought of traveling late at night already beyond tired with a two year old.
My dad came in and hugged me while I cried. I don’t really remember him saying much of anything. He just was there with me. He hugged me and let me cry. That was what I needed. The energy needed to pass. I was still tired and overwhelmed but the intensity that I was feeling leveled out when I had the opportunity to just feel it. I managed to get through that very long day of travel successfully and peacefully.
My dad reminded me recently that I am worth the time. I am worth slowing down for and understanding. So often, I find myself running away from, plowing through, or trying to distract myself from what is going on inside me.
As a parent, trying to help a little human manage his feelings, I’ve come to realize that I am like a big toddler in many ways. There is an inner toddler in all of us just trying to be understood by ourselves and others.
While in Florida, we spent a lot of time on the beach. Eli loved it. Although, like anywhere, he had his moments. When I could calm the inner child in me and remember that I am worth the time, I could then do it for my boy. One day, he was in an inconsolable fit of emotion; I scooped him up, and we took a walk on the beach.
I always hear from God when I’m on the beach. Despite the screaming coming from my boy, this was no exception. All of a sudden, coming out of my mouth to my son were the words, “our emotions are like these waves, they rush in really fast, and it feels really intense then it pulls back.”
I reminded him that it was okay to cry and to feel through this big wave of emotion. I was able to completely accept his feelings and his tears similar to the way my dad did that for me just days prior. Shortly there after, he laid his head on my shoulder, and we peacefully walked the beach until he fell asleep.
The other day, I was trying to explain something to Erik, and he just wasn’t grasping what I was saying. I got frustrated and ran away from the conversation and took an epsom salt bath to try to relax. I remembered my dads’s words, “you’re worth the time.”
When I remembered that I was worth the time and worth being understood, I could then clearly see that Erik was worth the time and worth explaining myself fully and completely too. I didn’t need to get upset. I didn’t need to run away from disagreement or misunderstanding.
I could sit there and be patient with myself and him, and when I got out of the bath, that’s exactly what I did. We had a serious breakthrough moment in our relationship.
Yesterday, the day before we left Florida to come home, I noticed myself feeling impatient and like I needed to rush around. When Erik wanted to walk the boardwalk before leaving the beach, my knee jerk reaction was to say, "No, we need to get back.” I realized, for what? We had no where to be or to rush off too, so why was I crawling out of my skin?
Rather than plowing past my true feelings and distracting myself with cleaning and packing or whatever else I would have done to not feel that crawling out of my skin feeling, I remembered that I was worth the time. I got curious about why I was feeling the way I was. While walking the boardwalk with my boys, I noticed the sensations in my body, I breathed deeply, and I self-reflected.
Because of this, I was actually able to enjoy our last little bit of time at the ocean and come to understand myself a little better. I am worth the time. We are all worth the time.
Thanks for the reminder Dad! ❤️