There is this meme going around on the internet of a little girl clutching a little teddy bear saying, “But I love it, God…” Jesus is there holding out His hand for her to give Him the little teddy bear, He has a giant teddy bear behind his back waiting for her, and He says, “Just trust me…”
The truth in this meme blows me away, but also, I’m over here like, “What a crock of crap, God. Why can’t you just show the freakin giant teddy bear BEFORE she has to give up her precious little one!?"
Those of you who read my last blog, know my sad un-engagement story. I ached bitterly because of that experience. At my mom’s prompting (more like shoving lol), I didn’t sit around moping. I got back on the horse and continued dating. Every other relationship felt insignificant. It felt like they weren’t even in the same league as what I had with my ex. I was sad, angry, disappointed, confused, hurting etc.
If I had just known the time frame of when I’d meet Erik and my life would unfold just like I hoped plus some, I wouldn’t have been so stressed and depressed.
Somewhere around 7ish years ago, just after a break up. I was in a Kundalini Yoga class. My beloved instructor announced that she had picked a harder kriya for that day because she had energy to clear as she was annoyed with her husband and was facing a fifteen-hour car ride with him the next day. I knew that she and her husband had a solid marriage and they were very supportive of each other.
Seeing this level of comfort in her marriage stuck with me all these years. From that moment forward, all I wanted was a relationship where I felt so comfortable and safe that being annoyed with them was just a natural part of the relationship. Recently, I felt very irritated with Erik not in any dramatic type of way, he just was annoying me. I expressed my annoyance, and he expressed his hurt feelings with my annoyance. I told him this story, and that I was so thankful to finally be in a place where I felt safe and comfortable being annoyed. He was baffled that I was thankful to be annoyed with him.
As I think of this, if I didn’t go through all those years of hurting, desiring, and struggling, I would absolutely not have the perspective of appreciation and gratitude that I have today.
The same goes for Eli. I wanted a child and a family of my own for so long. I got to the place where I gave up hope of having a traditional family of my own. Eli is such an answer to years and years of prayers for both Erik and me.
So many moms, myself included sometimes, are so focused on how overwhelming things get that sometimes we forget that this mom life is someone’s answer to prayer. I am not an overly patient person by nature, but my patience level and tolerance with Eli has shocked myself. I truly believe that it was all those years of waiting and longing that gave me my inner strength and ability to put things into perspective now.
As always, I am absolutely NOT saying to deny your feelings of overwhelm, frustration, or anything else. Those feelings are valid and meant to teach us something, but at least for me, when I remember how four years ago, this felt like a distant dream that seemed to be slipping away from me, my heart fills with love and gratitude. Handling the toddler who isn’t listening or is expressing big triggering feelings feels more like a blessing than a chore.
If you are in a time of free fall, longing, and unanswered prayer, God is going to use this. This moment is shaping you into who you need to be for what is to come. Take a long slow deep breath. “Isn’t it exciting to see what God is going to do next?” Jim Vandenhouten Sr.