Updated: Jan 4
Since seeing the show Parenthood for the first time around 9 years ago, I have always felt that I was a Braverman at heart. I swear my life story belongs on that show, and my current life events are no exception. So for those of you who do not know, a couple months ago, I found a lump on my salivary gland. After numerous scans and doctors’ appointments, I went for a biopsy. Strangely, the biopsy came back with two different results. Of the three samples taken, two were consistent with a pleomorphic adenoma which is a benign tumor that can turn cancerous. The third was a flow cytometry test that showed CD34 positive myeloblasts which is consistent with leukemia and lymphoma.
My life, heart, and emotions were flipped upside down. Before this, my biggest fear in life was something happening to me and not being able to be there for my son. It was something I was trying to talk myself down from. Then, this news made that a very real reality that I had to confront head on, and let me just say, it was not pretty. Immediately, I took a flow cytometry blood test. I waited a week and a half for the results. This was literally the longest most excruciating week and a half of my life.
During this time, I prayed, I cried, I held my son close every chance I could. I told him over and over how precious he was to me. I asked friends that if anything happened to me to tell my boy how much I love him. I have never been so scared in all of my life. I came face to face with powerlessness, helplessness, fear, etc. During this time, I journaled like a crazy person to help gain clarity and peace. Below, is a raw unedited peace of my journal from that moment in time that lead me here to starting this blog.
What a freakin experience this has been. A roller coaster of emotions. I have faith. I call my faith into question. I’m calm and peaceful. I’m terrified and scared. It’s a free fall that I am handling less than gracefully. I want to have the confidence and faith that God will catch me (and Eli) and that I don’t need to worry. Eli is my everything, and I worry so deeply about the effect of something like my death on his precious life. No one will love, understand, and care for him like I do. God is calling me to pause here. He loves, understands, and cares for Eli like I do. Eli is held in His lap just like I hold him in my lap.
The depth of my love for my son is in describable. My whole heart swells. I never want to let go of him. He is my pride and joy. My answer to so many tearful prayers. He’s so beautiful and perfect. I want to stay alive because when he fails and figuratively falls down, I want him to see himself through my eyes. I want him to always know how important and deeply loved he is at his very worst. When he is behaving completely opposite to his true nature, I want to remind him of who he is. He is important, sweet, kind, sensitive, thoughtful, smart, intuitive, loving, caring, good hearted, and so much more. He lights up my whole life and has changed the way I view the world. The day he was born, I thought I couldn’t love him anymore than I did then, but every day since then as I get to know him and understand him, I grow to love him more and more.
Little Boy, you are worthy of love. You are worthy of being understood. As I sit here next to you cuddling you on the couch, you need to know that you are worth it every single time. You are worthy of sitting with and understanding your big emotions. You are worthy of taking the time for yourself and not just pushing past your big feelings. Radically accept yourself and show tender love and compassion to yourself. This is how you grow. God has us. I’m scared, but I’m choosing to trust that God is holding both of us on his lap. We are his precious children.
My fear is worth sitting with. My sadness is worth sitting with. I accept that I am not as strong and don’t just relax and trust God like I want to. God can help me get more graceful. Susan Richardson’s prophesy over me said that there is an anointing that was put in me in my mother’s womb and that I would tap into that anointing and be amazed at what He would do in and through me. It said He would “blow my mind.”
God, I feel like I haven’t done anything yet. I am just beginning. I want to raise and love my son. I want to “live a long healthy happy life serving you in spirit and in truth” like my mom prayed over me every night of my childhood. God, I am trusting you that my prophesy and my mom’s prayer will be fulfilled. I am trusting that this experience is growing me, so I can have a new depth of understanding and compassion. The prophesy said, I would see things as You see them. Is this You opening my eyes to something? I am here, and I am willing. I am trying not to let fear retract my progress. Help me to stay calm and not afraid. Help me to trust You.
You gave me this ridiculously passionate, unconditional, unending, overflowing eternal, love, and patience for my son. I know this for a fact because until Eli, I have never had this kind of love for anyone especially not myself. You are giving me these feelings and worries of him not knowing his true nature. This is the beginning of the fulfillment of that prophecy of seeing things as you see them. God, is this your heart? How do you want me to share with your children your passionate, unconditional, unending, overflowing, eternal love, and patience for your children? What are you calling me to do God?
I have since gotten the results of the second flow cytometry test back, and it came back negative for the CD34 myeloblasts in my blood. The oncologist said that it could have been some type of anomaly or fluke, or that it is cancer caught very early. His opinion, was that it was just some kind of crazy fluke. I am due to surgically remove the tumor within the next few months, then return to the oncologist for a bone marrow biopsy and to figure out exactly what happened with that original positive test. In the meantime, I have almost completely cut out sugar, added into my diet foods that are known for getting rid of free radicals, created a morning and nighttime self-care practice of ginger root tea, apple cider vinegar, oil pulling, and vitamins, recommitted myself to an exercise routine, and most importantly, I’m trying to do the emotional work. I went to my beloved chiropractor who is into healing from the inside out. She is the one who recommended me to my home-birth midwife which is something that I will forever be grateful for, but that is a story for another day. She’s got me writing about the stresses in my life and looking into German New Medicine to get to the root of things. I’ve also scheduled an appointment with a natural healer who specializes in healing trauma and generational trauma.
Writing has been a passion of mine for a while. With this blog, I can do what I love, share my journey and thoughts, as well as the love of God for His children. Thanks for reading Friends. “May your hands always be busy. May your feet always be swift. May you have a strong foundation when the winds of changes shift. May your heart always be joyful, and may your song always be sung. May you stay forever young.” Bob Dylan