If you are single, badly want to be married and have a family, and struggling to find the right person, I know what you are going through, and I feel for you. I hope this blog leaves you feeling hopeful.
Exactly three years ago today, May 2nd 2020, I met Erik, in person, for the first time. We went on a hike together. We got lost, climbed steep hills through prickers, and crossed a pretty deep stream, but I couldn’t have been having more fun or enjoying the company any more than I was. Something in me just knew that he was the person I was going to end up with. I was soaking up every minute.
I had dated many other people. I had connections and commonalities with other people, and they were meant to be in my life for one reason or another. However, Erik was different, and I just knew it. I was meant for him, and he was meant for me.
If you’ve been following my blog, you can easily gather that I’ve been through it romantically. I’ve been married, divorced, engaged, unengaged not to mention in and out of many different relationships. There were so many occasions where I just wanted to give up and wallow in self-pity.
Honestly, if I didn’t have my mom literally holding me up while I was falling down, I probably would have. She hugged me while I cried and then kicked my butt in gear and made me create dating profiles to “get back on the horse."
People openly disapproved of me jumping from relationship to relationship. They told me I should slow down and be alone for a while. With my parent’s encouragement, I didn’t listen, and I am so thankful for that.
Quitting and sitting around feeling sorry for myself would have been the easier thing to do, but heartbreak after heartbreak, I kept getting back up bruises and all and stumbling back in that arena for more.
I didn’t give up on myself or my dream of having a family and children. In continuing to show up for my dreams and my life, I figured out exactly what I needed and wanted in a man, in a relatively short amount of time At the time, it definitely did not feel like a short amount of time. It felt excruciatingly long, tiring, and frustrating. I had several men who would have married me. I could have settled, and almost did a couple times, but my experience and my heart thankfully were not letting me off the hook that easily. I just couldn’t do it.
There were so many moments where I felt extremely broken and like something was wrong with me. I thought for sure I’d never love anyone the way I loved my ex fiancé, and I was seriously discussing freezing my eggs so that I could just have children on my own. Dating is not for the faint of heart. Particularly for women with a biological time clock ticking, it is not easy, nor is it pretty, but what I learned about myself and what I wanted was worth it. The time spent with people I didn’t marry (or didn't marry for long lol) was not a waste because it taught me so much and gave me clear definitive guidelines for what I was looking for in a man.
I dated a lot of really good guys with really wonderful traits. Each situation taught me about something that I wanted or didn’t want. One thing that particularly frustrated me was that multiple of these men were just not on my level of emotional depth. I felt like an entire piece of myself was hidden from them. I did not feel this way because I was hiding parts of myself, but because they couldn’t grasp it. I kept thinking, “They're in the kiddie pool, and I’m in the ocean.” I needed someone to match me and go to deep places with me.
Then, I met Erik. He matched my depth. He sought to understand me. He is thoughtful and self-reflective. He loves God and understands His grace. He challenges me and holds his own with my strong personality. He’s a musician and fits into my family perfectly. He is freakin hot. He makes me feel supported. He is genuine. He’s funny. He’s smart. He’s talented. He has a sexy voice. I could literally go on and on.
Our relationship and marriage has not been glitter and rainbows by any stretch of the imagination. We’re both prideful and stubborn sometimes. We have had some ugly fights and have brought out the worst in each other.
We have also brought out the best in each other. Erik encourages me and supports me in ways I never realized I needed to be encouraged or supported. He has this gentle loving way that serves as a healing salve to my spirit.
I know beyond a shadow of doubt that he is the person I am meant to do this life with.
His wounds and trauma responses trigger mine and vice versa. For this reason, not in spite of it, we were meant to be each other’s sandpaper. As we attempt to effectively love each other, we are both forced to deal with and look at parts of ourselves that make us uncomfortable.
These past three years, we have grown together, and we’ve grown as individuals.
Today on our anniversary, I am reflecting on our life together that reminds me a lot of our first date, 3 years ago today. We are just two people wandering around together just trying to figure it out, but I’m enjoying the journey with the most handsome and wonderful man.
For those of you who are still single. Stay in the arena. Be vulnerable. Be real. Be yourself. Don't give up. Your person is out there. As Hillary Duff says on Cinderella Story, "Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.”