5 Year Reflections

5 years ago, in the heart of Covid restrictions, Erik and I celebrated our mini 50 guest wedding.

I was over the moon to be marrying Erik. However, I was NOT happy about the wedding itself.

I fought hard to elope, but Erik wasn’t having any of that.

I was traumatized from planning two other weddings. One ended in divorce, and the other ended in my shattered heart and a year of utter misery and despair. Both rocked my world, embarrassed the hell out of me, and left me scarred.

The very last thing I wanted to do was make a spectacle of myself again.

Erik and I were in a, “love bubble” as my mom called it, and I wanted to stay in our bubble and not face trauma like that so early on in our relationship (5.5 months after meeting.)

I wanted to just return from some tropical vacation married and go on with our lives, but Erik insisted that we’d regret it if we did that.

This was a bit of a point of contention. Erik later said that if he understood me better back then, we would have done things differently.

Don’t get me wrong. I always felt that it was an amazing party, and I had a ton of fun. However, I looked at it as a formality and have always looked at our dating anniversary as our real anniversary.

Shawn said something in church the other day about how proclaiming our love for our spouses should not just be a private thing between the two people involved. It should be public and the love should be celebrated and broadcast kinda like our faith in God. Is it even real if we aren’t willing to share it with others?

It got me thinking, maybe there is some truth in that.

Five years ago today, despite two failed marriage attempts from me and one from Erik, the two of us fools stood vulnerably in front of the 50 people the government allowed us to invite, sang a song together, and publicly proclaimed our love for each other even though it was scary and hard.

It made me feel very not in control and like I was taking a jump out of an airplane without a parachute and praying for a soft place to land.

Heart in my throat, it was a true leap of faith, if you will.

It has not been easy. The wedding planning just scratched the surface of the unhealed parts of me that I needed to look at and get cozy with to make this marriage loving and functional.

Reflecting now, it was almost symbolic.

Erik and I think of things in the complete opposite way. Our traumas trigger each other. We often don’t make sense to each other.

We don’t give up, and we keep on fighting to understand each other. Over the years, we have come to understand each other’s hearts so much more, and things have gotten so much easier. Flights don’t last nearly as long as they used to.

This is remarkable for us this year because up until 2 weeks ago, we have had a year long hazing ritual of extreme sleep deprivation and engulfing hormonal issues that made me feel like I was on never ending rollercoaster.

No matter how much you love and are in love with the person, no matter how much you know they are God’s plan for your life, no matter how good they are for you, marriage is freakin hard.

You’re kidding yourself if you think otherwise.

Especially if you met later in life like Erik and me. There are two people who are set in their ways, have a lifetime of wounds and trauma that often trigger the other person inflaming the trauma more.

Think you already healed yourself from your past? Think again.

Nothing like a spouse or a child to expose every single unhealed aspect of yourself.

It’s takes a metric 💩 ton of work, self reflection, and facing demons to make it through in a relatively healthy way. It’s not always comfortable, it makes me feel very vulnerable and exposed, but it’s also beautiful, fun, and extremely rewarding.

Today, for the first time in five years, I can honestly say that I am thankful that our wedding was what it was.

Getting through the wedding planning and the wedding took a metric 💩 ton of work, self reflection, and I had to face some major demons. I was uncomfortable and felt vulnerable and exposed, but it was also beautiful, fun, and rewarding!

Day one of the formation of our family represented a meaningful and essential aspect of our marriage.

Five years ago and now, I choose Erik today and everyday. 🥂💝🌻

Photo credit: Linda Conley Photography