Imperfect Me

God has been showing new and exciting things to my family. We are in a period of learning and growth.

Something is shifting in our operating process. My hormones are shifting back to normal.

Since I was pregnant with Ben, I have had a Dowagers hump, and interestingly, after a very unpleasant day of family turmoil, Erik noticed that my hump, which is related to high cortisol and stress actually dramatically shrunk.

I question if it's kind of like cleaning a closet where it needs to get really messy before it gets better.

I don't know. Maybe I'm talking out my butt.

Regardless, as a family unit, we had been struggling. The kids were off. Erik and I had been holding a lot of stress, and it was coming out in a less than pretty way. We had been in a state of unrest and each thing seemed to set off another thing, and nervous systems were definitely not regulated.

We desperately needed/ need sunshine and to put our bare feet in some grass. So if God wants to give us a trip to somewhere warm, we're in lol.

I will be the first to admit that I had been very unpleasant and could stand to do a lot better.

I said absolutely nothing about this to Erik, because it's kind of weird and "spirit-zoney," but I had been feeling that our family has been under attack as if trying to keep us from rising into the potential that God has laid before us to walk in. The timing of each of our incidents were not coincidental.

Then one day at breakfast, Erik was praying over our family and said almost exactly that.

Anyway, with Ben now running, having strong opinions about how he wants to live his life, and a very independent streak, unless someone has pity on us and offers to babysit, we do not get to sing together in church anymore. I've been sidelined as the keeper of the children. This week, my parents offered to baby sit.

However, after the weekend we had where I was acting anything but how Jesus acted. I felt out of place being up there leading people in worship. Like I said, I had been very unpleasant, and I HATE misleading people. I didn't want to be up there and have people think that I am something that I am not.

I must get this from my dad, because I remember many Sundays when my dad lead worship and would publicly apologize to my mom in front of the whole church for being a jerk.

I got up and sang anyway, and it was a sweet and healing time for Erik and me to call out to Jesus in harmony together.

From up front, I have a unique view of seeing everyone. It touches my heart to see everyone coming together to sing a song that is ultimately a prayer. We sang, "I speak Jesus" by Charity Gayle. Below are some of the lyrics.

"Shout Jesus from the mountains, and Jesus in the streets, and Jesus in the darkness over every enemy. Jesus for my family. I speak the Holy Name Jesus!

Your name is power. Your name is healing. Your name is light. Break every strong hold. Shine through the shadows. Burn like a fire" (Charity Gayle.)

There is so much power when people come together in prayer not to mention that singing reduces stress and anxiety, helps regulate the nervous system, releases endorphins that boost mood, lowers cortisol etc.

As we sang those words, it was kind of like the last step of the closet cleaning where you hang the clothes that were all over the floor back into the closet but minus the give away bag of stuff that wasn't serving us anymore.

I don’t have any great wisdom to offer today. Just honest, imperfect, me. Hope it helps someone.

Ps. I’m going to try to share the video of the church service on my Sunflower Musings Facebook page , so keep an eye out.