Epstein Files: Has God Abandoned Us?

Upon the release of the Epstein files, my nervous system has been cycling between fight, flight, and freeze mostly defaulting to freeze.

Last week, I couldn't write. I tried, but I couldn't get any words out. I was blocked in freeze. For several weeks, I had not done yoga. I hadn't taken many walks. I hadn't gotten the boys out of the house nearly as much as I usually do. We had been hunkering down.

I have been a low key "conspiracy theorist" for years and years now, so a lot of this information that is coming out isn't necessarily new news to me. In years past, I felt in my spirit that it was all real, but I hoped and prayed that it wasn't. Speculating vs knowing about unspeakable evils are two very different things.

Knowing that the country/world is/was controlled by Satan worshiping evil people who have zero decency or regard for human life is extremely disturbing.

It is hard to reconcile in my brain. I have been wrestling with God.

I had been feeling like God has abandoned our country. God has abandoned the children/people that experienced these horrors at the hands of our leaders and admired. Why are these horrible people untouchable and disgustingly wealthy with the power to get away with this stuff? It feels like they are rewarded, and the good people suffer.

I wrestled with feeling like God has abandoned His people.

If you are like me, you're asking God, "Why the heck do horrific things happen, and why aren't you stopping them!?"

Some widely believed Christian responses are that, 1.) God created us with free will. We can choose figurative life or death for ourselves, and unfortunately, our actions can and do directly impact others causing them to suffer.

I don't know about you, but this does NOT make me feel better. It strikes me as a crock of crap. IDGAF if God takes a little freewill away from freakazoid cannable pedophiles to save the lives of innocent children. Freakin do it God.

2.) "We live in a fallen world."

My response to this: I don't want to live in a fallen world. I want God to fix it. Why would he create these babies only to live a life of horrific suffering at the hands of absurdly rich people who were/are revered as great leaders?

I have not found answers to these questions and many more, but I have found some peace.

God reminded me that Jesus felt the same way. "And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, 'Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?' that is, 'My God my God, why have You forsaken Me?" (NKJV Matthew 27:46).

Did God forsake Jesus? Of course not. Did it feel like it in that moment? Absolutely.

I recently discovered that this is exactly what Psalm 22 says. In the Psalm, what starts as desperation and distress ends in full circle moment of justice.

He, just like us, doubted and called God out on some serious BS that he was experiencing on the cross.

Was God absent, no.

Matthew, Mark, and Luke all tell us that just before Jesus died a darkness overcame the land for several hours during the middle of the day just before Jesus died. According to many scholars, it is highly unlikely that an eclipse could explain the cause of this.

This is when Jesus cries out to His Father asking why He had abandoned Him. Different people, take this to mean different things.

To me, this is the opposite of abandonment. This is a display of deep emotion from the broken heart of a very present and attuned God. I take it as God was so present with His Son that this darkness represented God shuddering at the sight of His child in agony as He experienced it with Him.

We were meant to doubt and question God. Jesus did it!

In this time of distressing information, bring God your questions and your anger with Him and these circumstances. He can handle it, and if you let Him, He will bring you His peace that passes understanding.

I am reminded of the Footprints in the Sand poem by Margaret Fishback Powers that essentially talks about this very topic. The author questions why she sees God's footprints next to hers during the good times, but during the worst times, she only sees one set of footprints. The Lord replies to her that it was then that He carried her.

The Bible backs up this idea saying, "Even when you are old, I will be the same. And even when your hair turns white, I will help you. I will take care of what I have made. I will carry you, and I will save you" (NLV Isaiah 46:4).

I also have found great peace in Romans 8:18-30.

If you are struggling right now and haven't read this recently, please do.

In the first line, Paul tells us that our current sufferings will seem small in comparison to the joy and glory that is to come.

This hits home in my heart and in my life. Compared to the gravity of what is in the Epstein files, my example seems miniscule, but track me for a second.

I spent many years of my life in turmoil trying to find love and build a family. I would take a step forward only to be tossed three steps backwards. I spent countless hours sobbing my heart out feeling so sad and lonely.

Every ounce of me ached for love, a family, and children. I questioned if I would ever be able to have children.

Then in 2020, while the rest of the world was hiding at home, God began to reveal His plan for my life. It was better than anything I could have ever conjured up for myself.

I look back now at the me then, and what felt so big and horrible then, feels so small now. I remember that time with compassion.

It is useful in my life as a comparison and a reminder to be thankful for the blessings that I have in my loving, brave, joy-filled husband and my two beautiful, healthy, sweet, little boys.

Because of that time of struggle, I don't stay in a place of negativity and ungratefulness for very long. All I have to do is remember that time, and I am flooded with thanksgiving.

It serves me as a reference point.

I've started to wonder if our time on this earth is merely a reference point.

"A thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, or like a watch in the night" (NIV Psalm 90:4).

We are eternal beings.

"Do not be afraid of those who kill the body, but cannot kill the soul" (NIV Matthew 10:28).

"We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord (NIV 2 Corinthians 5:8).

I don't have all the answers, and God and I are still duking it out, but I am ready to leave my freeze trauma response. The powers that be want us afraid and divided. Look at 9/11. Look at COVID. Here we are again all traumatized and afraid of this Epstein information.

The Bible tells us 365 times not to be afraid.

When we walk in fear, darkness wins. When we walk in love (Christ), nothing can stop us. The light of Christ that is already inside of us is so much greater than this evil.

Who do you believe in more, God or Evil?

We walk with the creator of the universe. We do not need to be afraid. God will win.

The devil weaponizes fear.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear" (NKJV 1 John 4:18).

I will leave you with this verse:

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God" (NIV Ephesians 6:10-17).