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Darkness and Light Coexisting

For those of you who don’t know, I’m in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy. It’s been a rough pregnancy, and the hormones have me all sorts of sensitive, emotional, moody etc.


I write something, then feel like a different human later and not confident enough to post, so nothing is getting posted on the blog.

 

Everything I write feels not good enough. I feel not inspirational enough, not clear enough, not brave enough etc.

 

Being pregnant/ post-partum/ nursing is a weird time, at least for me. When I got pregnant with Eli, I was not at all prepared for what my body was going to be going through, and Erik was not at all prepared for what it would do to me emotionally. It was scary for both of us.

 

Erik didn’t know me very long not pregnant. Three months to be exact. We got pregnant just after he proposed. We got married three months after that. He was scared that the mood swings were just me, and I was so ignorant as to what I was experiencing. I had no words to explain to him or myself what was going on. We fought a lot. It was a really rough first year of marriage.  

 

Our very new relationship was put to a serious test right away. I remember with Eli about 2 weeks after I stopped nursing him, I finally felt fully myself again. I literally said to Erik, “Oh hey, look! I’m back!”

 

There should seriously be classes widely offered to pregnant people and their partners helping people to understand the hormonal effects of pregnancy/ post-partum. All anyone talks about is the glow, how exciting it is, and how happy everyone should be about the sweet bundle of joy on the way. Not to say that that isn’t all true, but for many of us, this is not a cake walk, and that needs to be talked about too. The darkness along with the light needs to be normalized.

 

One day getting out of the shower, I happened to be standing like that photo of the orangutan looking down at his belly. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw myself and found myself laughing hysterically when I drew the parallel. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been pretty miserable during this pregnancy, and the laughter did my heart good.


 

I posted a side by side of myself and the orangutan on Facebook hoping to bring the same joy and laughter to my friends. However, I got flooded with people worried that I was struggling with my body image, so out of frustration and not wanting to explain myself over and over, I took it down.


I will be the first to admit that I am struggling with a lot of things in this pregnancy, but body image is not one of those things. My body is literally growing a whole other human. I have a lot of grace for it especially now.

 

The picture for me, represents the realness of pregnancy. Everyone posts their highlights. You see all the stunning photos of pregnant mama’s with perfect hair and makeup in a field, with their flowing dresses blowing in the wind. The glow. The joy. The perfect bundle to come. This is what is presented and talked about.

 

I don’t want to talk about that. I am huge, uncomfortable, and grumpy. I want to talk about how I can’t get comfortable sleeping, wake up like 46 times a night to pee, and look like an awkward upside down turtle trying to get off the couch or bed. I rarely wear makeup. I didn’t brush my hair today, and the world was lucky I took the time to throw it in a messy bun on the top of my head.  

 

I’m too old, and I’ve been through too much to fake perfection. My kid isn’t going to get a beautifully crafted maternity photo shoot for his baby book. He’s going to get a big old picture of his Mama twinning with an orangutan. Hopefully, he will have my sense of humor and laugh his butt off.

 

Things are not perfect, and that’s perfectly okay. There is beauty, joy, and laughter to be found in the imperfection.

 

I hate the experience of pregnancy, but I am so deeply thankful to be pregnant. I am not having fun, but I am fully aware of just how blessed I am. Giving birth was literally the worst ever, but I have the most incredible gift ever in my son, Eli. I am not at all looking forward to giving birth again, but I can’t wait to hold my sweet little Benjamin Erik.

 

The light with the dark.

 

We don’t have to pretend our darkness doesn’t exist just because someone else might have it worse than us or because that is what society expects of us. We are important, and we matter. Our experiences matter, and our feelings matter.

 

When the light meets the dark, we experience the most incredible sunsets.

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