Wrestling with Self Judgement

I wonder if God gave me boys and not girls because I am not yet ready to be a mom to girls. It’s been 11 months since Ben's birth, I have not lost the extra pregnancy weight easily like I did with Eli. It has been a big deal for me. I have been at war with myself because of it.

On one hand, I know that I grew two humans inside this body one of them being a giant 10lb baby. I recognize that it is a miracle and a blessing. I am so thankful for my body and my ability to do that especially into my 30s.

However, starting at around 4 months post partum, I started to feel personal and societal pressure to snap back into shape.

My toxic pattern is that I judge myself harshly before other people do. Instead of feeling the feelings of people being mean to and about me, I’ve just agreed with them or beat them to the punch. This is how I've often coped with judgement as a whole.

If I was mean to and about myself, nothing anyone can say will sting that bad, or perhaps they won't say it at all because I already called it out.

What a sad cycle.

Until recently, I never thought I had body image issues. If I felt uncomfortable, I'd eat a little healthier and maybe work out a bit more and was quickly where I wanted to be.

This is not my experience right now. I am working out, eating mostly healthy, and my body is holding onto the weight. When I tried to cut back on the amount that I was eating, my milk supply dropped, so this is not even an option.

I guess I've always prided myself on being fit, because now that I'm not where I want to be, it has been a battle to love myself. Apparently, I do not unconditionally love myself.

Every single day, I make it a point to speak life into my kids. I have Eli list out all the wonderful things that is his true essence.

He repeats after me saying, "I am kind. I am good. I am important. I am loving. I am easy to love. I am joyful. I am peaceful. I am patient. I am thoughtful. I am caring. I am worthy of being understood, I am sweet. I am beautiful. I am a good son. I am a good brother. I am smart. I have self-control. I am gentle. etc.

A few times, after acting out recently, Eli has said, "I am a bad kid." This kills me. Every time. I now stop everything we are doing to remind him again of his true essence. I am fighting to make sure that he does not receive or believe his own judgement or the judgement of others.

Me judging myself harshly over and not being forgiving of myself because of a little extra weight, my imperfect parenting, my mishaps in my marriage or other relationships or anything really is not the example I want to set for my children or the legacy I want to pass down to future generations.

I want to pass down a legacy of love, and that starts with me loving me and remembering my true essence which are all the things I make Eli list every day.

This experience of having extra weight has opened my eyes to something that has clearly been under the surface for probably most of my life. When I think of myself and what I am going through, through the lens of my parent heart, I realize just how essential it is for me to break this cycle of self criticism and lack of unconditional self love.

Healing and change begin when we rest in who we are in Christ which is whole, complete, and perfect.

This has been a huge hidden block in my energy flow. I am thankful that this experience has revealed this blind spot to me.

Our ability to truly love others directly correlates to our ability to love ourselves.

When we choose a different path or to simply think differently about something, it changes everything.

The other morning, I was laying in bed. My stomach was exposed. Ben started smacking it, and it jiggled around. I started my self deprecating pattern. Eli took note of what Ben was doing and decided to join the fun.

He's a very smart kid. He picked right up on my discomfort with my body and mentioned something. It was in that moment, that I chose a different path. I rubbed my own belly with love and compassion and said, "This right here is a miracle. Both you and Benji lived in there. I am so thankful for my body and this belly. I love my body."

I was gentle and loving with myself out loud, and something shifted in me. I could feel an energy block release, at least for that moment.

When we can accept ourselves in our imperfection, the fruits of the spirit can flow through us, and we can show the love of Christ to others as He did with out condition or exception. Loving ourselves, flaws included is the beginning of not just comprehending with our minds but experiencing with our essence the grace and love of God.

"There is power in the name of Jesus

To break every chain." - Jesus Culture

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1