Unearthing the Musings of the Heart

Lindsay Clancy. I can’t stop thinking about her. I hold so much space for this woman. I close my eyes and feel my heart actually ache when I think of her and how she must feel right now. I feel her heaviness, loss, and despair in my bones. For anyone who truly suffered from postpartum issues, you know, you lose yourself. I never came even close to wanting to un alive my children, but I certainly got to the point where I didn’t recognize myself. So much so that I am scared to

When I entered college as an eighteen year old kid, I saw the world blissfully in black and white. One side was right, one side was wrong. I fell right into the designed system. I wanted to make a difference in the world and wanted to go into politics. My plan was to go to college for political science, go to law school, then jump into the political realm. I did this for a while. I really applied myself to learning all that I could about the government. What I found was corru

I’m pretty sure the coolest person I ever met was my great uncle Robert. He lived a rough and hard life, yet he was one of the happiest, most loving, forgiving, purest souls you’d ever meet. My uncle Robert loved music. When he lived with us, he would blast his music. It brought him so much joy. One of his favorite songs was, “Don’t Worry Be Happy.” When I hear it, I always think of him. Since then, it has become one of Ben’s favorite songs. On a completely separate note, sin

I talked to my ex husband recently. It would have been our 13 year wedding anniversary on the 20th, and it seemed only fitting to catch up on that day. He was my teenage/early 20s best friend. I am thankful that our spouses are not put off by us remaining in contact, because it’s been such a blessing to stay friends. 🙏 Because I am not programmed to have a shallow conversation for long, we got talking about discrepancies within the Christian community in correlation to the B

If I am leaving my house and crossing the river, which is like 2-3 miles away, I feel like I’m going out of town. I have to gear up for it. I’ve lived in my general vicinity my entire life. While I’ve traveled and enjoyed traveling, by the middle of the trip, I can’t wait to go home. At home, everywhere I go I know someone. It’s safe. It’s comfortable. I love the familiarity of my town, my family, my friends, my stores, my roads. I could be a walking billboard for what I call

I just read about how women who stay home with their kids have significantly higher cortisol and stress levels. As one of these women, I am not doubting that. It can be mentally and emotionally extremely demanding. However, I refuse to be influenced by this toxic, wallowing in self-pity mode. Our thoughts create our reality. If we are constantly thinking about how stressful our lives are, we are going to be stressed. If we are continually focused on how overwhelmed we are, we

Upon the release of the Epstein files, my nervous system has been cycling between fight, flight, and freeze mostly defaulting to freeze. Last week, I couldn't write. I tried, but I couldn't get any words out. I was blocked in freeze. For several weeks, I had not done yoga. I hadn't taken many walks. I hadn't gotten the boys out of the house nearly as much as I usually do. We had been hunkering down. I have been a low key "conspiracy theorist" for years and years now, so a lot

I happened upon some of the contents of the Epstein Files a few days ago. I had been a little sick to my stomach anyway this week, but I had a physical response to what I read making me so upset that I nearly threw up. So upset, in fact, that I couldn't even get the words out to tell Erik that I was upset or why for over a full 24 hours. When I finally told him, I could barely utter the words. It is unspeakable horrors against children. I cried. I raged. I thought of my own c

God has been showing new and exciting things to my family. We are in a period of learning and growth. Something is shifting in our operating process. My hormones are shifting back to normal. Since I was pregnant with Ben, I have had a Dowagers hump, and interestingly, after a very unpleasant day of family turmoil, Erik noticed that my hump, which is related to high cortisol and stress actually dramatically shrunk. I question if it's kind of like cleaning a closet where it nee

If you know me, even a little, you know I don't blindly trust anything. I am not a go with the flow type of girl. If everyone believes it, chances are, I am questioning it. It's in my nature to go against the grain and think for myself even when that loses me friends. Notice that I say, "when" not, "if." On this same note, I haven't raised my hands in church in years. Before I became a free thinker, I used to do it because everyone else was, and it was the Christian thing to

Elsa came to upstate NY yesterday and gave us a pretty epic snowstorm. We had a cozy fire and plenty of snacks. It was kind of fun. However, by today, my children were stir crazy. Constant nagging questions that were pressing limits and boundaries. Lots of demanding what they wanted. Lots of attitude. Lots of fun. 🙄 On top of that, a sneaky little migraine decided to grace me with its presence, so I was feeling less than grateful and patient. At one point, I jokingly asked

This morning was gloriously blue and sunny. With so few sunny days, I simply can’t afford to not get my boys and myself outside. Everyone has been so cranky and desperately needed some sun to boost the serotonin levels. This morning, I was tired, cold, and I didn’t feel like bundling everyone up and getting out, but I did it. I am so thankful I did. We looked at the beautiful blue color of the sky, felt the glorious sun rays on our cheeks, and played a game where we looked f

I’m not saying that I’ve sworn off shaving all together, but for about a month, I’ve been disturbed by the concept of a grown woman shaving her pubic and leg hair. Here is my thought process. Who has little or no hair in these places? Children. Little girls. When I paused with that thought, I got instantly angry and felt totally creeped out. Why does our society glorify the bodies of little girls as a sexual ideal or standard? It got me asking questions. Who pushed for the re

Bringing humans into the world is an experience that is widely under acknowledged. Society tells us, “Oh, you had the baby!? 6-8 weeks from now you should go back to normal.” An ENTIRE HUMAN BEING was grown inside this woman and then brought earth side in one of the most intense experiences imaginable. She literally created and birthed life, has a dinner plate sized wound inside of her, but society tells us that with in 6-8 weeks, she should snap back to normal. I’m calling a

Today, I sat at the kitchen table to write. I had no idea what I was going to say. I had my sliding glass door open facing the boys playing outside. However, Eli kept going off behind some trees where I couldn't see him. Of course, little bro was quick to follow behind. I kept having to stop and call him over to where I could see him. Why was he doing this? Eventually, I slowed down to figure it out. The trees were magic. In the cover of the trees, they could create, and the

Yesterday, I found myself crying thankful tears into a root veggie and hummus wrap. I told my friends about my migraines, and they went out of their way to drop off two giant bags of their home grown root veggies to my front door because, "Beets, it's good fer what ails ya." Today, I received the most beautiful and heartfelt thank you card from an amazing soul that I have the privilege of knowing. When I was feeling very alone and lost in fear, this talented energy healer di

5 years ago, in the heart of Covid restrictions, Erik and I celebrated our mini 50 guest wedding. I was over the moon to be marrying...

I’m here at the park…again. I’ve been coming here since I was a child. I swam here back when it was a beach. I played countless baseball...

We just got back from a mini vacation to Lake Placid, and I need a vacation from our vacation. Erik and I severely underestimated how...

I wonder if God gave me boys and not girls because I am not yet ready to be a mom to girls. It’s been 11 months since Ben's birth, I have...